This month, resident Clinical Psychologist Christian Hetebry, of HealthSense Psychology and Well-Being, delves into Working with Kids and their Emotions.
In my last article, I explored how to manage emotions when playing and watching squash. This time, I’m sharing guidelines for supporting children and young people—whether you’re a coach, mentor or just a supportive friend.
Manage yourself first
We can only guide others if we’re steady ourselves. Daniel Goleman popularised the idea of emotional intelligence in the 1990s, emphasising that to influence someone else’s emotions we must first recognise and regulate our own. Emotions are contagious: your calm can help a child settle, just as your frustration can make them more upset. Before you intervene, check in with your own state.
Keep your message clear
When emotions run high, attention spans shrink. If you can’t say what you need to in about 15 seconds, the child will struggle to absorb it. Break larger points into smaller steps and, if possible, let them practise in between. Simple, clear messages are more likely to be heard.
Create a secure, happy relationship
Children are most responsive when they feel safe and valued. Relationship researcher John Gottman has shown that people feel secure when positive interactions outweigh negative ones by about five to one. Look for opportunities to praise effort, celebrate small improvements, share a joke and acknowledge resilience. A strong, positive foundation makes occasional corrections easier to accept.
Focus on the feeling first
People need to recognise what they’re feeling before they can manage it. Help children (and adults) identify their emotions and explore where those feelings come from. Remember that behaviour can mask very different feelings: what looks like defiance may be embarrassment; what looks like silliness might be anxiety. Before suggesting changes in behaviour, make sure the child feels understood. The Zones of Regulation framework can be a useful shared language here.
When to involve parents
Most emotional or behavioural hiccups can be managed in the moment, but there are times when it’s best to talk to a parent or guardian. Approach these conversations collaboratively and stick to observable facts and your concerns. You might involve parents when you notice:
- A long‑term pattern of disengagement or lack of interest.
- Frequent or intense conflicts with others.
- Bullying, harm to others or illegal behaviour.
- Signs of suicidal thoughts or deliberate self‑harm.
- Persistent “red zone” behaviours with no sign of improvement.
In such cases, explain what you’ve observed, describe how you’ve approached it so far, and invite parents to work with you on a plan.
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